Not a spiritual entry, really... well, maybe a little

I am proud to announce that I have adopted a new cat. He is a Siamese/Snowshoe mix, 5 months old, and I named him Yuki (Japanese for "snow"). The "spiritual" part of our story is as follows... When I decided it might be nice to give my cat, Murray, a companion since I work a lot of hours and am gone a lot, I found Yuki (then named "Friedrich") on petfinder.com. He was described as very mellow and loving, and I thought he'd be a good fit with Murray, personality-wise, since Murray is pretty laid-back and affectionate, too. So I contacted the rescue org about "Friedrich," and was at first told I could meet him the next day, but then was told he was already spoken for, and someone else would be picking him up for adoption. So I was disappointed. But the next day, I got a call that the other person had never shown up, so I could still see "Friedrich" if I were still interested. So I went down to the PetSmart where the rescue org had brought its animals to show (coincidentally, it was my neighborhood PetSmart), and I checked out Friedrich/Yuki, held him, petted him, etc. And I decided to adopt him and bring him home. So, it seems like in a way it was fated to all fall into place for me, with that other guy not showing up to claim Yuki. His loss, my gain.

I am very, very glad to have found Yuki. He is a sweetheart. He was very skittish and frightened the first couple days... went running to hide whenever I made a move, wouldn't let me pet him at first, etc. But within a couple days, he seemed settled in, and couldn't get enough of my petting. I kept Yuki and Murray separate for the first couple days. But when I told the rescue org lady that they had been playing "paws under the door" with each other, she said they were ready to meet face to face. So, though I had just gotten Yuki on a Saturday, on Monday already, I opened the door between them and let them meet.

Yuki was happy to see Murray (he was used to other animals, in foster care) and tried to make friends, but Murray was visibly upset/shellshocked, and responded by chasing Yuki repeatedly and batting at him with his paw. Not to hurt him, just to show him who was boss. But within the next couple days, the chasing largely stopped - mainly because Yuki stopped running away, realizing that Murray wasn't going to hurt him. Murray was just batting at him and giving extremely gentle nips on the back. Nothing too horrific. Murray also paid less attention to Yuki and concentrated on paying attention to me. He began to seem more cheerful, playing with his toys (which he usually only does in an extremely good mood) and otherwise acting normally, with the exception of the occasional swipe at Yuki.

At this point, they are behaving well enough with each other for me to trust them alone together. They were alone for the first time yesterday, and all was well when I came home. So they're alone together again today. Got my fingers crossed all will continue to go well...

The choice

I have chosen to become a Baha'i. This faith resonates with me, and I really like the Baha'is I have met thus far.

Meanwhile, my rabbi ripped me off. He provided unreliable service, so I "fired" him, and he only refunded me for five lessons instead of seven or eight. So I reported him to the AZ Attorney Genl's Office and the Better Biz Bureau. Guess you can't trust anyone these days!

Never really got anywhere with Quakerism. I decided that a service that consisted primarily of sitting in silence wasn't for fidgety, impatient me!

Holy mackerel

I have gone through my wardrobe - first the mountains of dirty clothes, then the jam-packed closet full of clean clothes - and purged nearly 300 items I plan to give to charity! (And that doesn't even include the five grocery bags' worth I gave to the non-charity resale shop.) I carefully itemized each one for tax-deduction purposes, assigning a value based on the Salv Army and Goodwill tables, trying to lowball it if anything so the IRS couldn't say I was too extravagant in my estimates.... and all told, my nearly 300 items are worth over $1700 for tax deduction purposes!! Imagine how much money I would have today if I hadn't bought all those clothes, new. No wonder I'm so deep in debt.

I knew I had a fetish for clothing, but I never realized how intense the sickness was till now. I didn't even realize I had as many clothes as I had. I guess those manic episodes just caused me to go wild, and they accumulated, and accumulated...

Now I need to be disciplined and not buy any more clothes for a while. I think I'm pretty much set for life, so no need!

Switching gears, I am finding myself really pulled toward the Baha'i faith, while I am pretty much deciding that Judaism is not the path for me. And I still need to try a Quaker service. If I can ever get up early enough on a Sunday.

I might very well end up in the Baha'i camp...

Detachment

I am reading some Baha'i writings, and they talk quite a bit about detachment - not being wrapped up in the material things of this world, that are temporary and ultimately meaningless. As I look about my bedroom, overrun by dirty clothes bags (even as my closet overflows with clean clothes), I realize how misplaced my value of clothes (and shoes, which have also taken over my apartment) has been. In an effort to fill an empty place inside, and/or motivated by manic frenzies in which I wanted every pretty thing to wear that I saw, I have amassed more clothes than 10 women could ever need in a lifetime. Or worse. I can't even find any of my jeans in my mountains of dirty clothes, so I can't do "casual week" at my workplace. Now, THAT is definitely a sign that I have way too many clothes!

I think I am ready, having fed my clothing appetite until I absolutely gorged myself, to rise above this petty attachment to material goods and detach myself from them. I can still enjoy wearing nice clothes, but I certainly won't buy anymore, and I won't be as vain about those I do have. Same thing with shoes - no new shoes, and less elevation of them to a show-off symbol. I can probably save a ton of money by curbing my shopping madness. I wonder how much better off I would be financially if I had reached the satisfaction/detachment level sooner.

One problem is, I like my clothes so much (I am good about only buying things I really like) that I can't find it in my heart to give them away, usually, and then I buy more, so I'm just always adding and adding and never getting rid of things I decide I don't want. But it is time to stop. Time to detach. I will probably never wear out any of the clothes I now have, since I have so many that I never wear any one thing too many times, with the exception of underwear. I am set for life. Same thing with shoes. So I can focus on other things. Deeper things. More meaningful things. Such as my spiritual life.

Lifestyle ideals

Yesterday at the UU Building Your Own Theology class, we had a worksheet to do on which a number of different lifestyle types were presented, from severely introverted to severely extroverted, and we had to rate how appealing or unappealing these lifestyles would each be for us. It was good food for thought. I think I would come down right in the middle. I am slightly more on the introvert side, so the lifestyles that emphasize finding value in "alone time" tended to have more appeal for me, but I also value my friendships and doing things with my friends, so I would not want to be totally alone all the time. My best friend may be my cat, but that doesn't mean I don't value my human friends. :-)

We also had to list five principles/convictions/values we held of a religious nature. One of mine was following the Golden Rule, but I acknowledged that it is a tough rule to follow for me because I lack patience with people. I need to work on that...

Rabbi refund

I don't think I posted this yet, I will be receiving a refund from the rabbi. He totally apologized after I "fired" him, saying he let me down, he flaked out (his words, but also the way I described it privately), he was too consumed with family crises to give me proper attention, etc. I'm glad I will get a refund - I desperately need the money, for school as well as bills.

At least I know another rabbi, a woman. I may have mentioned her before. She answered some questions for me (for free, no less!), including whether animals have a soul and can go to Paradise (the answers were yes and yes). It may sound childish, but I want to be with my cat in heaven if there is one. It would be cool to be able to communicate with my cat in new ways in the afterlife and achieve new understanding. Like I said, I know this sounds like kid stuff - but I'm just a big kid!!

Bye bye rabbi

Well, I fired my rabbi. He was never availble at a time convenient for me. He would repeatedly tell me to call him at a certain time, then he would have an excuse why he wasn't available, and would promise to call back at another certain time, and he either never called back at all, or he would call much later than he had promised, often when I had already given up and gone to bed. So I e-mailed him that I don't think the partnership is working out, and requested a refund, though I don't know if he will give one. If he doesn't, then I guess my most valuable "lesson" learned in the whole deal is to never pay anything in advance where a service is concerned, because you never know what kind of "service" you are going to get!

I am not totally giving up on studying Judaism, however. I contacted another rabbi (a woman) who I had met at a Torah study group, and she answered some questions I had, and she urged me to continue my studies. So I will continue to read up on the religion, try to attend more sabbath services, and perhaps go back to trying to eat kosher (I succeeded for about a month, then sort of fell off the wagon).

Meanwhile, I'm continuing in my Baha'i study circle. I really enjoy it. Now I need to internalize the teachings, which are basically about being kind to others and praying regularly. I'm not always very kind, and it is hard to think about prayer in the daily rat race. I need to strive to overcome these weaknesses and be a better person.

First Baha'i Study Circle

Forgot to mention, last Sunday evening I went to my first Baha'i study circle meeting. There were only three of us, including the leader, but there may be additional people joining up. I enjoyed it very much. It consisted of us using a workbook to read various quotes from their prophet and/or his son, and answering questions about them, like what the quotes meant on a deep level. It was interesting to tease out what certain words meant to each person; no two (or should I say, three) perspectives were alike. The other non-leader participant was kind of cute. I think he is of Iranian descent though he grew up in the states. He's divorced, so hey, he might be available! But hey, I am not looking for romance, so it's just fine if he's not, or if I'm not his type, or whatever!! :-)

The latest

Unfortunately, I have missed the last Unitarian Universalist religious ed classes, because two weeks ago I had my pupils dilated at an eye exam and couldn't see well enough to drive far, and last night wasn't feeling particularly well. I hope to go next Tuesday.

My experiment with eating kosher has pretty much ended, but I may try to restart it... I have just found myself craving cheeseburgers the last few days. Plus they are cheaper than kosher burgers!

At lunch, my conservative coworkers were talking about how some NY Muslims want to build a mosque near Ground Zero, and how they shouldn't be allowed to do that. One compared it to Nazis setting up shop near Auschwitz. What an analogy... I say, let the Muslims build wherever they want to. All Muslims shouldn't be painted with the same brush as the misguided souls who attacked this country. They represent a few bad apples who tarnish the reputation of all Muslims as a result. All Muslims shouldn't be punished for the sins of a few...

Update

I had hoped to attend a synagogue service this past Saturday, or maybe a Quaker meeting on Sunday, but I ended up sleeping in both mornings. Shame on me! But Sunday night, I had tea with a local Baha'i woman, and she gave a little lecture on key Baha'i beliefs, which I pretty much already knew from reading books on the faith. But I listened politely. She said she is trying to get a study circle together for the purposes of reading Baha'i teachings, and I would like to join it. I may not join the faith formally, but I think their prophet's writings are worth studying. The hardest part for me about joining would be the obligatory 19-day fast in spring. Ugh. Fasting isn't my style, with my appetite!

I tried to get in touch with my rabbi on Thursday for our scheduled lesson, but I got his voice mail and he never called me back. He didn't get the message, somehow. He gave me a different number to try calling, and I will call him tonight for another attempt at a lesson. I have plenty of questions for him.

Life

Not much new on the spiritual front lately. Haven't had a session with the rabbi in a couple weeks, because he was consumed by family crises, then I was out of town and too tired for our session this past week. Being out of town, I didn't get to attend any services this past weekend. This coming weekend, I hope to get my lazy butt out of bed and attend both Saturday synagogue services and a Quaker meeting on Sunday.

At our Building Your Own Theology class last night, we talked about the nature of God. I'm pretty much the only one in the group who believes in a personal relationship with God. Others either don't believe in a higher power, or believe in a deistic God who created the world and takes no real interest in it. (My argument is why would God even bother to create the world if he/she was not going to take an interest in it afterward?)

Our BYOT leader proposed to his girlfriend publicly at the UU General Assembly in front of thousands of people. That's pretty neat. However, I'm not envious. I remain committed to the single life. I think I was meant to be on my own. Relationships literally drive me crazy. I am much more sane when I am single. It helps that I have a cat to love, who gives me unconditional affection. I don't know if I could care about a partner as much as I care for my cat, which might sound pretty sad, but it's true... just because my cat is consistent in giving love, is not hard to understand, and makes me the center of his universe. Hard not to reciprocate all that...

Torah study

I attended my first Torah study group yesterday. The rabbi had no beard, and actually wore a skirt... yes, it was a FEMALE rabbi! That was a surprise. I hadn't even known that women could be rabbis. But I guess it is acceptable for Reform Jews (not Orthodox, however). She wore a little gold and pearl yamulke. She seemed pretty sharp. She did a good job of interpreting the text for us. She's fairly young and quite dynamic. I hope to see her again, if I attend the Torah study group on a regular basis. They're recessing for the summer, however.

At the gathering yesterday, I was introduced to a new Jewish dish - kugel/kegel (not sure how to spell, and it's pronounced two different possible ways). It's a noodle pudding of some sort. Very, very good. I'm liking the Jewish food I'm discovering so far.

I'm currently reading a book called "Judaism for Everyone," about how Jewish values can apply to the lives of all people, not just Jews. It states that Judaism is about the triumph of superior "feminine" values over inferior, aggressive "masculine" vallues. It puts spirituality and morality over military might, etc. And it states that because of Jewish focus on morality, other peoples have persecuted the Jews because they have seen Jews as "pests" who have sought to spoil their "fun." Some interesting food for thought.

Hopefully God will forgive me...

I was "bad" this past weekend. I slept in instead of going to the Jewish services on Saturday morning or the Quaker service I had planned to attend on Sunday morning. But both days I did read about religion (Judaism and Baha'i), so I did expand my mind/spirit. And Sunday night I dined with some local Baha'is. I broke kosher for that one evening, because the hosts served chicken, and being sort of the guest of honor, I didn't want to insult them. I tried not to eat too much of it. The Baha'is gave me their best sales pitch, complete with DVD. They seem like nice people, and I see no reason not to join a study circle the hosts are trying to put together. Their prophet, Baha'u'llah, has many wise and thoughtful writings, so they are worth studying, and he does seem to be prophetic in many ways. In any event, it certainly wouldn't hurt to study his writings and learn from his wisdom.

We talked last night about human nature, at my UU Building Your Own Theology course. Our task for next week is to compose a "credo" about what we consider human nature to be like. I will take a stab at it here:

I believe that humans are a highly evolved form of mammals that are set apart from other animals by self-consciousness, spirituality (in most cases), and a superior intellect and ability to reason. We also experience a wider range of emotions than other animals. Humans experience strong passions and drives, along with a socially prescribed philosophy (in most cases) that these passions and drives should be moderated and held in check, for the good of society as a whole. Humans possess the capacity for both great good/altruism and great evil/self-centeredness, though it must be said that "good and evil" are largely socially-defined concepts that can vary from culture to culture. However, I do believe that some things are purely evil or good no matter what culture you come from - for example, the Holocaust is evil no matter how you look at it, and figures like Mother Teresa cannot have their innate goodness questioned by anyone. I think the environment plays a big role in shaping human character, but inborn traits do exist, as well as genetic factors such as mental illness, in some cases, that affect behavior and "character." I think most human beings are well-intentioned, but many cannot rise above self-centeredness and achieve true transcendance of the self to place the good of humanity as a whole above their own needs and desires. I think most people simply try to "muddle through" life the best they can, with many of them mired in confusion about how exactly to go about doing so and what their essential purpose in life might be.

As for what that purpose is, I think it is to expand the mind and strengthen the soul. It is to go beyond oneself and see the larger reality, the interconnectedness of all people and things, the temporary nature of this world and its material things, and the promise of (hopefully!) an infinitely better life to come in the next world, if indeed there is a God/Creator who will one day summon us to the afterlife. Even if there is no afterlife, and this life is all we have, we must look beyond the self and strive to make this world the best place possible to live for as many people as possible. We should shun war and hatred and prejudice, and instead embrace diversity and seek unity; we should endeavor to eliminate gross inequalities in wealth; we should not let differences of class, race, gender, sexual orientation, or religious belief divide us. In short, we should live in the spirit of harmony and peace. The "evil" and selfish side of human nature often prevents this in practice, but it is important to uphold altruistic principles as something to strive for as an ideal...

Everything happens for a reason

Well, I ended up having a phone lesson with my rabbi for my first lesson yesterday, because he had to suddenly go to CA due to his grandmother being in a (perhaps intentional, on her part) one-car accident. But even with more important things going on in his life, he still thought of me, which I thought was really nice of him. Our conversation was interrupted a few times by him losing service during the drive, and during one of the interruptions, my mom called to tell me she was in the hospital with pneumonia. Since she is going to be 79 in a couple months, it made me really worry. But the rabbi, once I got back on the phone with him, was very comforting, saying "it's all good" - even if the "worst" were to happen, she would be with God in Paradise, and if the "best" were to happen, she'll be fine and recover quickly. I think my spiritual quest, which brought this rabbi into my life, was meant to happen now, when I need some spirituality to get me through the worry.

It also helps that I called the nurses station last night and they said she should be okay; they're running some tests and giving her antibiotics, and hopefully she will be home soon. That reassured me too.

Let's just hope God isn't ready for her yet!

The joys of kosher

I am actually enjoying my efforts to eat kosher. It has become a ritual that reminds me of my faith every time I eat. I do feel more "holy" for doing it, and I am probably eating a lot healthier than when I had McDonalds or Burger King or Wendy's hamburgers all the time. I can get a good, non-greasy grilled kosher burger at the Scottsdale Deli and Grill, or a yummy bologna or turkey sandwich, and buy a nice selection of kosher food at the adjoining market. It may be more expensive than shopping at Fry's, but as long as I feel I am benefitting from it, it is worth it.

More similar than different

I read about the Quakers last night, and they seemed very similar in their beliefs to the Baha'i faith and Judaism (and Unitarian Universalism), or at least not incompatible. They lack a creed, but believe in a personal connection with God (the "inner light") and the divine spark of life in every person. I don't see any reason why I couldn't identify myself with ALL of these religions - be a Jewish/Baha'i/Quaker/UU, and attend different services and study circles as I see fit. I like the Quakers' stance, similar to the UUs, regarding homosexuality - that it's absolutely to be accepted. Essentially, a lot of what the Quakers believe resonates with me (with the possible exception of "simplicity" - I love my material things, like clothes and shoes, too much to live "simply") - the pacifism, the belief in honesty at all times, the "inner light," the belief in protecting the environment, belief in connections with all living things, etc. I have found all four religions - Judaism, Baha'i, Quakerism, and UU'ism - to speak to me in their various ways, with very little to really disagree with. Other than the fact that I don't believe in the Bible absolutely literally but as a somewhat historical record that contains much that is symbolic. I don't know how my rabbi would feel about that. But I think the other three faiths would concur with my sentiments. Though some Quakers may take the Bible literally. Quakers vary in their beliefs, just like the UUs, since there is no creed; some don't even believe in God, but are still spiritual and feel a life force that permeates all living things.

Next I'll start reading "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Judaism." My rabbi had said that would be an okay book to start with when I ran it by him. So, that will give us something to talk about at our meeting Thursday. I'm looking forward to it.

Also looking forward to my second UU religious ed class tonight....

Mazel tov!

I enjoyed my first Jewish service on Saturday morning. It really resonated with me and inspired me spiritually, with its emotional focus on God, mixed with the history of the Jewish people. Even if I can't claim that history personally, as a Gentile, I can relate to it and appreciate it.

Well, I was the most "observant" woman in the building, LOL. My rabbi had told me to dress conservatively and even wear a hat or other head covering, but there was only one other woman in a hat, and my skirt was probably the longest in the congregation. And I was one of the few women in long sleeves on a 100-degree day. Some females were even in sleeveless outfits, especially the teens - many of them wore spaghetti-strap dresses with shortish skirts. So... I took the hat back to the store (I'm not a hat person at all; I'd never wear it). In the future, I won't dress so conservatively - I will wear short sleeves, and maybe still a long skirt - but no hat!

Did some shopping at the Jewish market yesterday. Tried blintzes... yum!!!

I'm reading a book on the Baha'i, and they don't seem to conflict with Judaism at all. They accept all the Jewish prophets (as well as Jesus and Muhammad as prophets, along with their founder, Baha'u'llah), and many of the teachings and concepts seem similar. I see no reason not to study both faiths. The book is really resonating with me and I find myself agreeing with just about everything in it.

Next Sunday, I'm going to try the Quakers. I hope to do some preperatory reading this week before attending their service. And Saturday I plan to go to temple again. So it will be a busy religious weekend for me. And of course Thursday night I start my studies with my rabbi, and Tuesday night is BYOT at VUU...

In addition to getting my spiritual life in order, I am trying to get my "outer" life in order as well - cleaning my apartment and my car. I got the car cleaned out over the weekend, and most of my apartment... cleared lots of clutter. I still have a couple areas of the apt to clean. But overall, I'd no longer be embarrassed for someone to enter my apartment. It doesn't look like a total slob lives there anymore!

Keepin' it kosher

I had dinner last night at one of the kosher restaurants my rabbi had recommended, and had the best bologna sandwich I had ever had. Made Oscar Mayer look like nothing. Thick-cut and very tasty. Worth the $10 price, which was the cheapest thing on the menu. (A roast beef sandwich costs $20!) The lady at the counter was from Israel, and she was interested in the fact that I am an outsider studying Judaism, because she never knew anyone who did this (in Israel, most "outsiders" are Arabs, and she said they don't tend to study Judaism!). I got hungry again later in the evening, so I had rice-a-roni with cheese sauce. That should be all right. I have beef rice-a-roni, but wasn't sure if that would be okay, even though there's no real beef in it, just beef flavoring. My rabbi said to check for a kosher symbol on food to see if it's kosher or not. So I'll start doing that when grocery shopping.

I talked to an Orthodox Jewish lady at work (she says she's a convert). She invited me to lunch next week to talk about the faith. We'll go to the cafe at the Jewish Community Center. I look forward to it. (She told me, "Welcome to the tribe!")

Meanwhile, a bunch of books on various religions are available at the Scottsdale library for me to pick up - on Quakerism, Baha''i, and Judaism. So I'll be doing lots of reading this summer!

Going a step further

I had sworn I wouldn't do the whole head-covering thing, but my rabbi suggested I wear a hat or other head covering to the Jewish service I plan to visit on Saturday, so I bit the bullet and bought a hat from Nordstrom; I will pick it up after work today. It's cute, a cloth slouch-type thing that covers the whole head. I don't look good in fancy hats. But this, I think I can pull off. http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3094769?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=keywordsearch&keyword=hats&origin=searchresults

Sampling different congregations

Actually, the congregation my rabbi had wanted me to check out was Temple Solel. He really recommends the rabbi there. Though he had no problem with Kol Ami. So I think I will try Kol Ami next Friday night just for kicks, and Solel this Saturday morning (June 5), because they have a Saturday morning service. My rabbi has advised me to wear a hat or other head covering, so that made me break my moratorium on shopping. I found a fashionable cloth slouch hat online at Nordstrom's that I could order and go pick up in the store. It was under $30, so not too bad. I'm not really a hat person, but this one shouldn't make me look TOO stupid.

Torah study group

One Jewish congregation has been very friendly to me (at least, the lady who answers their e-mail has been very friendly), not only inviting me to a service but now inviting me to their Torah study group. I'm not going to their service when I take off work Friday the 11th, as I had originally planned, because my rabbi said their congregation is a bit "over my head" since it is a very wealthy congregation, so I wouldn't fit in. But I see no harm in attending a study group where you don't have to pay anything. The next study group is June 19, and I would like to go. Hopefully my rabbi will approve.

On the 11th, I am going to attend services at the temple my rabbi recommended, Temple Kol Ami. Their website makes them sound like a friendly and welcoming congregation. I have no idea what to expect, but hopefully I won't do anything stupid!

Trying it on for size

Well, I didn't dress "modestly" today, which would earn me no points with my rabbi (but hey, this is Arizona, and not only is it hot outside, my cubicle is absolutely sweltering, and the only way I can stand it is to wear sleeveless and/or thin-material clothing to work). But I did try to eat a kosher diet. For breakfast/lunch, I had several biscuits from Burger King (I am addicted to them). Then I had an early dinner just now of a fish sandwich from Wendy's, sans tartar sauce. I'm not a big fan of fish, but since meat is off limits.... I don't know if Wendy's fish really meets the kosher criteria (it has to have a dorsal fin and swim in the ocean, according to the rabbi), but at least I made the effort. I'm going to try to keep up the kosher effort until we meet next week, so I can hopefully give him something to be proud of me for. And it will show him I am serious about learning Jewish ways and values. I will try to dress "modestly" for my meeting with him next week, and when I attend a temple next Friday night, the 11th. The people at the temple said not to wear anything sleeveless. I'll take that to heart and try to be as conservative as possible to avoid attracting attention. Even down to my shoes. (I have some pretty wild ones.)

Hmmm, what can I have for dinner tomorrow that's kosher? I have some Rice a Roni. That should be okay...

Update

Well, I hear the Quakers do meet every week. It is just their biz meeting that is once a month. So I can go a week from Sunday and check out their worship.

Had dinner with the rabbi last night. He was a very animated, personable guy. I am going to study with him for a bit on Jewish history, tradition, and beliefs. He ain't cheap, but hopefully it will be worth it. His website is http://www.rabbiabrams.org

Meanwhile, I will continue my UU studies. Hopefully all this study won't make me more confused than when I began!

Update

Well, I can't go to the Quaker service after all on Sunday because Famous Footwear has a meeting (mandatory) Sunday morning. Bummer. Guess I'll have to wait till next month, since the Quakers only meet once a month (not a bad deal, huh?).

I'm having dinner with the rabbi tonight. My main question will be about how literally one is supposed to take the Bible, since I don't take it literally at all. I find meaning in it but through interpretation, not through belief in every single word as fact.

I heard back from the Bahais. They said they will get me hooked up with a study group. That would be cool. I liked the Bahai readings I have done in the past on my own. Though I don't share the founder's utopian message about one religion enveloping the world one day, and a time of peace and prosperity for the entire world. It's a nice vision, but nothing that will be seen anytime in MY lifetime, anyway...

As for Debtors Anonymous, I decided I don't need it. The same witch who had cut me off midsentence while I was "sharing" on Thursday showed up at a different meeting I tried to go to on Sunday, so I walked out. So, it seems I can't go to a meeting near me without her showing up. Besides, I already know everything DA teaches/preaches - don't use credit cards, don't buy lots of things you don't need, save money when possible, etc. Trust in a higher power. I've pretty much already gone through all their "12 steps" on my own without knowing it, like accepting I have a problem, trusting in a higher power, etc. The main one I need to work on, making amends to those you have "harmed," would entail me trying to pay back my mom for all she has given me over the years to help me out, and I intend to do that as soon as my financial situation allows. I am at least stabilized enough for a while for her to not have to send me any "bailout money," I think.

I've put a "shopping moratorium" on myself until at least June 24. That's when I'm flying to Maryland to visit a friend, and I figured we'd be going shopping at some point, and I wanted to be able to do so without feeling guilty. So - no clothes or shoes in the meantime. Save it for June. And then don't go wild, be reasonable with the purchasing. My friend will help keep me in check, I'm sure. She's very practical. And she lectures me about my shopping addiction, like my mom.

Anyway, I hope through my spiritual quest, it will direct me away from the desire to shop and give me something more important and valuable to think about and spend my time on.

Eliminating one option

I've decided not to look into Islam as a religion for myself, though I might seek out some books on it to understand it better. Upon further reflection, I decided it is too sexist of a religion for me. At least, as practiced by some proponents of it. American Muslims might not be as bad, but still, the draconian policies of some Middle Eastern nations repulses me. So, I will cross Islam off my list, though I do like some of the religion's core principles.

Then again...

... I guess I can't check out the Quakers this Sunday because they meet on the first Sunday of each month, only. So I'd have to wait till the 2nd. Oh well, I'll do the UU church this Sunday, then!

Creating more harmony with Mom

I called my mom today to make sure she wasn't upset with me for telling her about my spiritual quest. She was in good spirits, and it wasn't even the first thing she talked about. Actually, I think I'm the one who brought it up. I learned her doubt about Judaism is that a German-descended Gentile like myself wouldn't be accepted by "real" Jews, especially considering the Holocaust. My mom is a product of World War II, born in 1931, so she still thinks old grudges persist. Maybe among some older Jews, but I doubt my background would be an issue for most. The rabbi I have talked to actually spoke positively of my roots in Germany, saying the chances are good I have some Jewish heritage somewhere along the line, and maybe it is coming out in me now. I know little about my German ancestors on my dad's side (I know more about the Bohemian-German Catholics on my mom's side, and some Lutherans from Prussia), so I suppose anything is possible. Anyway, the rabbi was very inviting and is having dinner with me Tuesday to discuss spiritual matters. And he even friended me on Facebook!

Another Jewish congregation I had contacted sent me a reply e-mail, inviting me to their next service Fri., June 11. I'd have to ask for that night off work... maybe I can trade with someone. The rabbi I'm having dinner with is about to depart for Israel for some months to study, so he'd be out of the picture, so it wouldn't hurt to also explore another congregation in the meantime. I also was encouraged to attend an upcoming Friday or Saturday Muslim "lecture," as the imam called it, but again, I work Friday and Saturday nights, so I'd have to ask for time off and/or switch days with someone. That's the thing about Jews and Muslims - their religious schedules conflict with my work schedule! Christians, I have all day free Sunday to explore. Too bad I've written most of them off, except the Quakers. I hope to visit the nearest Quaker meeting house on Sunday and see how I like their largely silent services. I wonder how long they are. And whether I can sit still long enough!!

Sunday I'll also try another DA group, BTW. Just throwing that out there because I do believe my spirituality is connected with my shopping addiction. If I can channel my energy into my religious quest, I'll have less idle time for shopping just to "kill time." I am proud of myself tonight for passing up a shopping temptation. I drove by Stein Mart, where I had (during an April manic shopping spree) bought some items and then returned them all, and I had the irrational feeling that I had let down the store somehow by returning all I had bought from them. So I was thinking of going shopping there to make amends. Then I realized what a ridiculous excuse for shopping that was, and how I don't need anything, etc. It was almost a spiritual triumph. Maybe it was - a triumph of the spirit over the ... whatever causes my shopping urges...

Cut off while trying to "share"

I am very glad our VUU group seems very open and welcoming and willing to listen to whatever any group member wants to say. This contrasts completely with the Debtors Anonymous meeting I went to last night.

It was my second meeting. The first one had been all right. But last night, while I was doing my "sharing," I started talking about how I'm on a spiritual quest, to try to achieve the kind of personal satisfaction that no material goods can supply. We had just read a passage on that fact, that material goods can't lead to personal fulfillment, so I thought it was very relevant. Plus I was eager to discuss my spiritual journey. However, midway through, I was rudely cut off by one of the DA facilitators for talking about a "non-DA issue." Well, how is it a "non-DA issue" to talk about how materialism isn't everything? That's one of their main messages. Their messages (their creeds, etc.) are also full of talk about God and spirituality. So I was just stunned, and I angrily got up and left. I recalled that at my first meeting, some guy had used his "sharing" time to complain about problems with his wife, and nobody interrupted HIM to tell him he was talking about a "non-DA" issue, even though he clearly was. That made me even angrier, that I got picked on when he did not. Probably because he has more "seniority" in the group than I did.

I may try another DA meeting at another location in my area. Or try the telephone meetings I have heard DA offers. But I'm definitely not going back to the one I went to last night!

I don't know if I really need DA, anyway. I pretty much know what to do and not do. You're supposed to save money when you can, and you're not supposed to use credit cards. I was pretty much just looking for fellowship with other compulsive shoppers (that's my problem... clothes and shoes), at my mom's suggestion. But if you're not free to "share" properly, then it's a negative experience I don't need.

So.... I hope the VUU group will continue to be open and welcoming, and not cut people off when they're sharing from the heart. I want it to be a place where I feel comfortable to be fully myself. I felt this way at the first meeting, and hope it continues.

Seeking the truth...

My Christian fundamentalist brother is happy I am exploring religion, but has serious reservations about it being in a UU context, especially since the group leader is a self-described atheist. He encouraged me to explore a variety of churches, synagogues, and mosques. So I am listening to him - in my own way. I took the beliefnet.com quiz again and got the same results as several years ago - 100 percent Reform Judaism, then Liberal Quakerism, then Bahai, then UU (at 90 percent). So I decided I will explore the three religions that ranked above UU, while remaining a UU.... that's the beauty of UU, you can believe other things (or nothing) and still be a UU! I connected with a personable rabbi who will have dinner with me to discuss matters spiritual, and I e-mailed the local Bahai group about study groups near me. I also wrote down the address of the closest Quaker meetinghouse near me (not very close at all, actually), and plan to check out a service, though I hear they're odd... lots of sitting in silence in reflection and prayer, with occasional divine insights expressed. Weird, but worth a shot. And, because my brother mentioned Islam and because it was in my top 10 in beliefnet, and also because I have always been fascinated by Islam, I e-mailed a local Islamic Center to see about classes, or speaking with the imam before attending a service, etc. Although it just now occurred to me that I work Fridays, so that might not work out for me, since that's their big evening prayer day. I might have to adjust my work schedule if I go the Islam route.

Anyway, I wrote my mom about my religious quest, and she seemed disappointed in me. All she wrote back was that all my Catholic education must have been wasted. I don't know why my searching for a way to worship God (since I do believe in God) and be spiritual would upset her. She gets down on my brother for being TOO religious. So why would she find my quite moderate position alarming? Does she want me to just be a nice quiet Catholic gal like she grew up to be despite being abused by the nuns in grade school?

Anyway, below is an e-mail I wrote to my mom, outlining my religious beliefs. So I have pretty much captured the essentials, I think:

If I were to summarize my religious beliefs, I would say there is a God (a spiritual, asexual God/Goddess) who is a creator but who allows humans free will. Sometimes God might intercede to bring about something positive, but I don't think God causes negative things; those things happen because of accidents, flaws in human nature, etc. (And natural disasters occur because God has allowed the weather to have free will as well.) I think God's presence can be felt in nature (beautiful woods, majestic mountains, etc.), and seen in the wonderful family I have been blessed with, and of course having Murray brought into my life in the "destined" way he was. Simba was also a blessing from God, helping me through a tough time when I really needed it, and he kept alive my will to live.

I think the most important thing in life to honor God is to treat other people with kindness and to serve the less fortunate. That can sometimes be difficult to do, but it is our main mission. It is easy to get self-centered and caught up in your own problems, but when you give to another person, or just brighten their day with a smile, you are earning points for the afterlife (which I do believe in... I want to believe there is a heaven but no hell, which is what UUs believe... I think most of the worst dregs of humanity get most of their just punishment on earth, and maybe there will just be a special "wing" of heaven for them.... which will REALLY be heaven for them, since they'll all be together!). I do believe in the power of good works to help obtain a better spot in the afterlife. I don't agree with the Calvinistic/Lutheran viewpoint that good works mean nothing, but rather, God saves by grace alone. Perhaps we do depend on God's grace for our salvation, but I think our own worthiness is a big influence.

So, I am a big proponent of community service, volunteering, donating to worthy causes, etc. My favorite cause is helping animals, though I also help people through donating clothing, giving to drives at work like Easter Seals, etc. My means are limited, so I can't give much. But I do what I can. The UUs say "service is our prayer." I try to live that out when I think of it.

UUs believe everything in the world is connected, and I believe this as well. We are connected to all other people and life forms and even inanimate objects in many ways. We have a large impact on other people and animals and plants and so forth, by our actions. The world is one big interdependent ecosystem. No one is an island. No matter how much of a hermit they might try to be.

So, to sum it up.... love your neighbor, do good things, don't be greedy, acknowledge your place in the universe.... and there is a God who will reward you with a pleasant afterlife if you have proven worthy. I believe God is extremely forgiving, which is why I like to believe there is no hell. (I like to believe that because I'm afraid sometimes of ending up there!)

I don't think you will find my religious beliefs extreme in any way. Hopefully you will be pleased that I feel the way I do about many things. The trick for me is finding a religion that shares my beliefs without being sexist (Catholic church) or discriminatory toward gays (most Christian churches) or obsessed with Jesus, whom I consider a great teacher and POSSIBLY the Messiah, but emphasis on POSSIBLY... not one hundred percent sold (most Christian churches).... that is why some of the more unusual religions appeal to me, because they lack these "faults" that more mainstream churches have.

Don't worry, I won't join a cult. Even Bahai is considered a real religion and not a cult. It is the fastest growing religion. I am just exploring my options among several recognized but unconventional religions, while remaining a UU for the time being.

Love to you and Simba (her cat)
from Jen and Murray (my cat) and Allah (just kidding)

Has God given me a gift in disguise?

I happen to be bipolar, and many people in my situation might rail at God, asking why they were afflicted with such a horrible disease. While it certainly is no picnic, I actually take a positive view of my disorder. I have used it to my benefit, writing scholarship on Mary Todd Lincoln in which I argued she was bipolar based on her behaviors - using my insight into the illness, and my "seeing myself in her" to take Mary Lincoln scholarship in a new direction. (Soon after my own work appeared, a book came out also arguing she was bipolar, and I was cited in the book, so I may have influenced that author.) I also plan to write a history of mental health care in the Phoenix area. I was going to do it as my doctoral dissertation at ASU, but the problem is, I didn't think of it as a topic until it was really too late to research, write, and defend a dissertation. I had dropped out of the doctoral history program at ASU in 2005 due to lack of dissertation topic, and just sort of went on with my life and forgot about it. But then in fall 2009 I literally woke up with the idea to do the mental health care history topic. I tried to come back to ASU to work on it, but the deadline (summer 2011) wasn't realistic, and I put too much pressure on myself until I finally snapped. (Meanwhile, I was juggling two jobs and a distance learning grad program in library science through U of A.) So I dropped the diss idea, but still plan to try to write a book or at least some articles as an independent scholar. Arizona mental health history has a rather checkered past, one that will be fascinating to keep exploring. I've learned a lot already.

So... I have turned my disorder into a blessing, using it to research and shed light on mental illness. It can also be a blessing in making me more productive, when I'm a little manic, as long as I don't go TOTALLY manic and go on an expensive shopping spree! Even depression, as horrible as it is at the time, can be seen as a blessing in the long run because it can give me sympathy for other people who are suffering.

I see people all the time who are much worse off than me - in wheelchairs, blind, deaf, mentally challenged... and I think that my disorder is nothing compared with that. At least mine can be (most of the time!) controlled with medication, and I am still able to live a normal life. (Some people with bipolar have it worse than I do and can't live a normal life - can't work, etc.) So I am thankful to whatever higher power might exist that if this is the worst I have to deal with, it's nothing at all. And I will try to continue to use it as a gift to guide my scholarship and make the world a richer place.

First session of UU class

Tonight was the first session (well, the first session I attended) of a Unitarian Universalist course in "Building Your Own Theology." Many people shared their personal spiritual journeys. I found it to be an open and sympathetic group, and felt comfortable sharing details of my life, including the fact that on the sliding scale of sexuality, I fall a bit on the bisexual side - one main reason why the UU church appeals to me and many other churches turn me off.

I could identify with those people who said they had been stuck in a rut, unhappy with their jobs or lives in general. Several times I have broken away from jobs and my life in general to try to find something better (sometimes it turned out for the worse, but oh well). But I think I am in a good place now. One reason I believe in God is the call I got from my current employer who saw my resume on CareerBuilder.com - it was the perfect job for me, at the perfect time in my life. I had been working far below my education level, as a Marshalls store associate, and while at first I liked it, I came to hate it when I got criticized for working too slowly, not being "cheerful" enough, etc. Plus it paid NOTHING. My current company pays quite well, and I love the job. Most of the time!

As I stated at the meeting, another one of those "little moments in life" that reinforces my faith in a higher power is the fact that my cat decided to move in with me the way he did. I was lonely and needed the companionship, and he was homeless and needed care and love. I truly feel that God brought us together.

My concept of God is as a gender-neutral being who can help make positive things happen, but isn't responsible for every single thing that happens in the world. For example, I don't believe God gave my father cancer. My father got cancer because he was old (78) and didn't get regular screenings that could have caught it early. I don't think God causes natural disasters. I think God has better things to do than mess with the weather. I think he leaves it to itself, and if disasters happen, it's a great shame, but not God's fault.

Although I do believe God can "help out" a little, I generally believe in free will. I don't believe God controls EVERYTHING and that we should simply and meekly submit to his will (I use the male pronoun as a reflex, though I consider God asexual). I think we hold the key to our own destiny in many ways, and adopting a defeatist approach doesn't get you anywhere. I think it is important to keep asking questions, to keep searching, to keep an interest in spiritual matters, and if you don't believe in God the same way I do, that's perfectly all right. I think the important thing is how you live your life and treat other people (and animals). And you can have spiritual experiences, like in nature, without them necessarily being connected to God.

For instance, when I flew into Salt Lake City for the first time en route to a job interview in Idaho, the sun was going down, and the mountains were ablaze. It was breathtaking, and made me feel like there might be a higher power, after all (this is when I was still pretty atheistic). Several years later, I took a Native American spirituality class, and we learned to commune with nature in the Native way, in the UP of Michigan. Again, I wasn't really sold on the concept of God, but I felt a sense of a higher power while relaxing in the woods or sitting on the shores of the lake, listening to the loons, as Jim described at the meeting.

My most scary "spiritual" experience came after my dad passed away a couple years ago. I was lying in bed, wide awake, and I could clearly feel the pressure of a hand on my shoulder. Like a comforting hand. Now, my dad had slept in that room shortly before passing away. I don't know whether I imagined it, but it felt very real, and it wasn't, say, the cat jumping in bed or some rational explanation. The experience both weirded me out, and comforted me, thinking that maybe there was an afterlife and my dad was telling me not to worry. I want to believe there is an afterlife. Though I really hope I go to the "good" part of it!

Well, that's about enough rambling for now. Till later...