Has God given me a gift in disguise?

I happen to be bipolar, and many people in my situation might rail at God, asking why they were afflicted with such a horrible disease. While it certainly is no picnic, I actually take a positive view of my disorder. I have used it to my benefit, writing scholarship on Mary Todd Lincoln in which I argued she was bipolar based on her behaviors - using my insight into the illness, and my "seeing myself in her" to take Mary Lincoln scholarship in a new direction. (Soon after my own work appeared, a book came out also arguing she was bipolar, and I was cited in the book, so I may have influenced that author.) I also plan to write a history of mental health care in the Phoenix area. I was going to do it as my doctoral dissertation at ASU, but the problem is, I didn't think of it as a topic until it was really too late to research, write, and defend a dissertation. I had dropped out of the doctoral history program at ASU in 2005 due to lack of dissertation topic, and just sort of went on with my life and forgot about it. But then in fall 2009 I literally woke up with the idea to do the mental health care history topic. I tried to come back to ASU to work on it, but the deadline (summer 2011) wasn't realistic, and I put too much pressure on myself until I finally snapped. (Meanwhile, I was juggling two jobs and a distance learning grad program in library science through U of A.) So I dropped the diss idea, but still plan to try to write a book or at least some articles as an independent scholar. Arizona mental health history has a rather checkered past, one that will be fascinating to keep exploring. I've learned a lot already.

So... I have turned my disorder into a blessing, using it to research and shed light on mental illness. It can also be a blessing in making me more productive, when I'm a little manic, as long as I don't go TOTALLY manic and go on an expensive shopping spree! Even depression, as horrible as it is at the time, can be seen as a blessing in the long run because it can give me sympathy for other people who are suffering.

I see people all the time who are much worse off than me - in wheelchairs, blind, deaf, mentally challenged... and I think that my disorder is nothing compared with that. At least mine can be (most of the time!) controlled with medication, and I am still able to live a normal life. (Some people with bipolar have it worse than I do and can't live a normal life - can't work, etc.) So I am thankful to whatever higher power might exist that if this is the worst I have to deal with, it's nothing at all. And I will try to continue to use it as a gift to guide my scholarship and make the world a richer place.