Eliminating one option

I've decided not to look into Islam as a religion for myself, though I might seek out some books on it to understand it better. Upon further reflection, I decided it is too sexist of a religion for me. At least, as practiced by some proponents of it. American Muslims might not be as bad, but still, the draconian policies of some Middle Eastern nations repulses me. So, I will cross Islam off my list, though I do like some of the religion's core principles.

Then again...

... I guess I can't check out the Quakers this Sunday because they meet on the first Sunday of each month, only. So I'd have to wait till the 2nd. Oh well, I'll do the UU church this Sunday, then!

Creating more harmony with Mom

I called my mom today to make sure she wasn't upset with me for telling her about my spiritual quest. She was in good spirits, and it wasn't even the first thing she talked about. Actually, I think I'm the one who brought it up. I learned her doubt about Judaism is that a German-descended Gentile like myself wouldn't be accepted by "real" Jews, especially considering the Holocaust. My mom is a product of World War II, born in 1931, so she still thinks old grudges persist. Maybe among some older Jews, but I doubt my background would be an issue for most. The rabbi I have talked to actually spoke positively of my roots in Germany, saying the chances are good I have some Jewish heritage somewhere along the line, and maybe it is coming out in me now. I know little about my German ancestors on my dad's side (I know more about the Bohemian-German Catholics on my mom's side, and some Lutherans from Prussia), so I suppose anything is possible. Anyway, the rabbi was very inviting and is having dinner with me Tuesday to discuss spiritual matters. And he even friended me on Facebook!

Another Jewish congregation I had contacted sent me a reply e-mail, inviting me to their next service Fri., June 11. I'd have to ask for that night off work... maybe I can trade with someone. The rabbi I'm having dinner with is about to depart for Israel for some months to study, so he'd be out of the picture, so it wouldn't hurt to also explore another congregation in the meantime. I also was encouraged to attend an upcoming Friday or Saturday Muslim "lecture," as the imam called it, but again, I work Friday and Saturday nights, so I'd have to ask for time off and/or switch days with someone. That's the thing about Jews and Muslims - their religious schedules conflict with my work schedule! Christians, I have all day free Sunday to explore. Too bad I've written most of them off, except the Quakers. I hope to visit the nearest Quaker meeting house on Sunday and see how I like their largely silent services. I wonder how long they are. And whether I can sit still long enough!!

Sunday I'll also try another DA group, BTW. Just throwing that out there because I do believe my spirituality is connected with my shopping addiction. If I can channel my energy into my religious quest, I'll have less idle time for shopping just to "kill time." I am proud of myself tonight for passing up a shopping temptation. I drove by Stein Mart, where I had (during an April manic shopping spree) bought some items and then returned them all, and I had the irrational feeling that I had let down the store somehow by returning all I had bought from them. So I was thinking of going shopping there to make amends. Then I realized what a ridiculous excuse for shopping that was, and how I don't need anything, etc. It was almost a spiritual triumph. Maybe it was - a triumph of the spirit over the ... whatever causes my shopping urges...

Cut off while trying to "share"

I am very glad our VUU group seems very open and welcoming and willing to listen to whatever any group member wants to say. This contrasts completely with the Debtors Anonymous meeting I went to last night.

It was my second meeting. The first one had been all right. But last night, while I was doing my "sharing," I started talking about how I'm on a spiritual quest, to try to achieve the kind of personal satisfaction that no material goods can supply. We had just read a passage on that fact, that material goods can't lead to personal fulfillment, so I thought it was very relevant. Plus I was eager to discuss my spiritual journey. However, midway through, I was rudely cut off by one of the DA facilitators for talking about a "non-DA issue." Well, how is it a "non-DA issue" to talk about how materialism isn't everything? That's one of their main messages. Their messages (their creeds, etc.) are also full of talk about God and spirituality. So I was just stunned, and I angrily got up and left. I recalled that at my first meeting, some guy had used his "sharing" time to complain about problems with his wife, and nobody interrupted HIM to tell him he was talking about a "non-DA" issue, even though he clearly was. That made me even angrier, that I got picked on when he did not. Probably because he has more "seniority" in the group than I did.

I may try another DA meeting at another location in my area. Or try the telephone meetings I have heard DA offers. But I'm definitely not going back to the one I went to last night!

I don't know if I really need DA, anyway. I pretty much know what to do and not do. You're supposed to save money when you can, and you're not supposed to use credit cards. I was pretty much just looking for fellowship with other compulsive shoppers (that's my problem... clothes and shoes), at my mom's suggestion. But if you're not free to "share" properly, then it's a negative experience I don't need.

So.... I hope the VUU group will continue to be open and welcoming, and not cut people off when they're sharing from the heart. I want it to be a place where I feel comfortable to be fully myself. I felt this way at the first meeting, and hope it continues.

Seeking the truth...

My Christian fundamentalist brother is happy I am exploring religion, but has serious reservations about it being in a UU context, especially since the group leader is a self-described atheist. He encouraged me to explore a variety of churches, synagogues, and mosques. So I am listening to him - in my own way. I took the beliefnet.com quiz again and got the same results as several years ago - 100 percent Reform Judaism, then Liberal Quakerism, then Bahai, then UU (at 90 percent). So I decided I will explore the three religions that ranked above UU, while remaining a UU.... that's the beauty of UU, you can believe other things (or nothing) and still be a UU! I connected with a personable rabbi who will have dinner with me to discuss matters spiritual, and I e-mailed the local Bahai group about study groups near me. I also wrote down the address of the closest Quaker meetinghouse near me (not very close at all, actually), and plan to check out a service, though I hear they're odd... lots of sitting in silence in reflection and prayer, with occasional divine insights expressed. Weird, but worth a shot. And, because my brother mentioned Islam and because it was in my top 10 in beliefnet, and also because I have always been fascinated by Islam, I e-mailed a local Islamic Center to see about classes, or speaking with the imam before attending a service, etc. Although it just now occurred to me that I work Fridays, so that might not work out for me, since that's their big evening prayer day. I might have to adjust my work schedule if I go the Islam route.

Anyway, I wrote my mom about my religious quest, and she seemed disappointed in me. All she wrote back was that all my Catholic education must have been wasted. I don't know why my searching for a way to worship God (since I do believe in God) and be spiritual would upset her. She gets down on my brother for being TOO religious. So why would she find my quite moderate position alarming? Does she want me to just be a nice quiet Catholic gal like she grew up to be despite being abused by the nuns in grade school?

Anyway, below is an e-mail I wrote to my mom, outlining my religious beliefs. So I have pretty much captured the essentials, I think:

If I were to summarize my religious beliefs, I would say there is a God (a spiritual, asexual God/Goddess) who is a creator but who allows humans free will. Sometimes God might intercede to bring about something positive, but I don't think God causes negative things; those things happen because of accidents, flaws in human nature, etc. (And natural disasters occur because God has allowed the weather to have free will as well.) I think God's presence can be felt in nature (beautiful woods, majestic mountains, etc.), and seen in the wonderful family I have been blessed with, and of course having Murray brought into my life in the "destined" way he was. Simba was also a blessing from God, helping me through a tough time when I really needed it, and he kept alive my will to live.

I think the most important thing in life to honor God is to treat other people with kindness and to serve the less fortunate. That can sometimes be difficult to do, but it is our main mission. It is easy to get self-centered and caught up in your own problems, but when you give to another person, or just brighten their day with a smile, you are earning points for the afterlife (which I do believe in... I want to believe there is a heaven but no hell, which is what UUs believe... I think most of the worst dregs of humanity get most of their just punishment on earth, and maybe there will just be a special "wing" of heaven for them.... which will REALLY be heaven for them, since they'll all be together!). I do believe in the power of good works to help obtain a better spot in the afterlife. I don't agree with the Calvinistic/Lutheran viewpoint that good works mean nothing, but rather, God saves by grace alone. Perhaps we do depend on God's grace for our salvation, but I think our own worthiness is a big influence.

So, I am a big proponent of community service, volunteering, donating to worthy causes, etc. My favorite cause is helping animals, though I also help people through donating clothing, giving to drives at work like Easter Seals, etc. My means are limited, so I can't give much. But I do what I can. The UUs say "service is our prayer." I try to live that out when I think of it.

UUs believe everything in the world is connected, and I believe this as well. We are connected to all other people and life forms and even inanimate objects in many ways. We have a large impact on other people and animals and plants and so forth, by our actions. The world is one big interdependent ecosystem. No one is an island. No matter how much of a hermit they might try to be.

So, to sum it up.... love your neighbor, do good things, don't be greedy, acknowledge your place in the universe.... and there is a God who will reward you with a pleasant afterlife if you have proven worthy. I believe God is extremely forgiving, which is why I like to believe there is no hell. (I like to believe that because I'm afraid sometimes of ending up there!)

I don't think you will find my religious beliefs extreme in any way. Hopefully you will be pleased that I feel the way I do about many things. The trick for me is finding a religion that shares my beliefs without being sexist (Catholic church) or discriminatory toward gays (most Christian churches) or obsessed with Jesus, whom I consider a great teacher and POSSIBLY the Messiah, but emphasis on POSSIBLY... not one hundred percent sold (most Christian churches).... that is why some of the more unusual religions appeal to me, because they lack these "faults" that more mainstream churches have.

Don't worry, I won't join a cult. Even Bahai is considered a real religion and not a cult. It is the fastest growing religion. I am just exploring my options among several recognized but unconventional religions, while remaining a UU for the time being.

Love to you and Simba (her cat)
from Jen and Murray (my cat) and Allah (just kidding)

Has God given me a gift in disguise?

I happen to be bipolar, and many people in my situation might rail at God, asking why they were afflicted with such a horrible disease. While it certainly is no picnic, I actually take a positive view of my disorder. I have used it to my benefit, writing scholarship on Mary Todd Lincoln in which I argued she was bipolar based on her behaviors - using my insight into the illness, and my "seeing myself in her" to take Mary Lincoln scholarship in a new direction. (Soon after my own work appeared, a book came out also arguing she was bipolar, and I was cited in the book, so I may have influenced that author.) I also plan to write a history of mental health care in the Phoenix area. I was going to do it as my doctoral dissertation at ASU, but the problem is, I didn't think of it as a topic until it was really too late to research, write, and defend a dissertation. I had dropped out of the doctoral history program at ASU in 2005 due to lack of dissertation topic, and just sort of went on with my life and forgot about it. But then in fall 2009 I literally woke up with the idea to do the mental health care history topic. I tried to come back to ASU to work on it, but the deadline (summer 2011) wasn't realistic, and I put too much pressure on myself until I finally snapped. (Meanwhile, I was juggling two jobs and a distance learning grad program in library science through U of A.) So I dropped the diss idea, but still plan to try to write a book or at least some articles as an independent scholar. Arizona mental health history has a rather checkered past, one that will be fascinating to keep exploring. I've learned a lot already.

So... I have turned my disorder into a blessing, using it to research and shed light on mental illness. It can also be a blessing in making me more productive, when I'm a little manic, as long as I don't go TOTALLY manic and go on an expensive shopping spree! Even depression, as horrible as it is at the time, can be seen as a blessing in the long run because it can give me sympathy for other people who are suffering.

I see people all the time who are much worse off than me - in wheelchairs, blind, deaf, mentally challenged... and I think that my disorder is nothing compared with that. At least mine can be (most of the time!) controlled with medication, and I am still able to live a normal life. (Some people with bipolar have it worse than I do and can't live a normal life - can't work, etc.) So I am thankful to whatever higher power might exist that if this is the worst I have to deal with, it's nothing at all. And I will try to continue to use it as a gift to guide my scholarship and make the world a richer place.

First session of UU class

Tonight was the first session (well, the first session I attended) of a Unitarian Universalist course in "Building Your Own Theology." Many people shared their personal spiritual journeys. I found it to be an open and sympathetic group, and felt comfortable sharing details of my life, including the fact that on the sliding scale of sexuality, I fall a bit on the bisexual side - one main reason why the UU church appeals to me and many other churches turn me off.

I could identify with those people who said they had been stuck in a rut, unhappy with their jobs or lives in general. Several times I have broken away from jobs and my life in general to try to find something better (sometimes it turned out for the worse, but oh well). But I think I am in a good place now. One reason I believe in God is the call I got from my current employer who saw my resume on CareerBuilder.com - it was the perfect job for me, at the perfect time in my life. I had been working far below my education level, as a Marshalls store associate, and while at first I liked it, I came to hate it when I got criticized for working too slowly, not being "cheerful" enough, etc. Plus it paid NOTHING. My current company pays quite well, and I love the job. Most of the time!

As I stated at the meeting, another one of those "little moments in life" that reinforces my faith in a higher power is the fact that my cat decided to move in with me the way he did. I was lonely and needed the companionship, and he was homeless and needed care and love. I truly feel that God brought us together.

My concept of God is as a gender-neutral being who can help make positive things happen, but isn't responsible for every single thing that happens in the world. For example, I don't believe God gave my father cancer. My father got cancer because he was old (78) and didn't get regular screenings that could have caught it early. I don't think God causes natural disasters. I think God has better things to do than mess with the weather. I think he leaves it to itself, and if disasters happen, it's a great shame, but not God's fault.

Although I do believe God can "help out" a little, I generally believe in free will. I don't believe God controls EVERYTHING and that we should simply and meekly submit to his will (I use the male pronoun as a reflex, though I consider God asexual). I think we hold the key to our own destiny in many ways, and adopting a defeatist approach doesn't get you anywhere. I think it is important to keep asking questions, to keep searching, to keep an interest in spiritual matters, and if you don't believe in God the same way I do, that's perfectly all right. I think the important thing is how you live your life and treat other people (and animals). And you can have spiritual experiences, like in nature, without them necessarily being connected to God.

For instance, when I flew into Salt Lake City for the first time en route to a job interview in Idaho, the sun was going down, and the mountains were ablaze. It was breathtaking, and made me feel like there might be a higher power, after all (this is when I was still pretty atheistic). Several years later, I took a Native American spirituality class, and we learned to commune with nature in the Native way, in the UP of Michigan. Again, I wasn't really sold on the concept of God, but I felt a sense of a higher power while relaxing in the woods or sitting on the shores of the lake, listening to the loons, as Jim described at the meeting.

My most scary "spiritual" experience came after my dad passed away a couple years ago. I was lying in bed, wide awake, and I could clearly feel the pressure of a hand on my shoulder. Like a comforting hand. Now, my dad had slept in that room shortly before passing away. I don't know whether I imagined it, but it felt very real, and it wasn't, say, the cat jumping in bed or some rational explanation. The experience both weirded me out, and comforted me, thinking that maybe there was an afterlife and my dad was telling me not to worry. I want to believe there is an afterlife. Though I really hope I go to the "good" part of it!

Well, that's about enough rambling for now. Till later...